“Reset Relationally Part 3: A Better Way of Loving"

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How can we love our spouse better? What does it look like? How can we determine if we are loving our spouse in the right way?

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“Reset Relationally Part 3: A Better Way of Loving"

Fellowsville AG

February 11, 2018

AM Service

“Reset Series” + Vow Renewal

Scripture:

John 13:34–35 NLT

34 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

Introduction:

History shows that mankind is always trying to find BETTER ways to do things.

For example, in the 19th century people realized that a better way to fight fires would be to establish strategically located fire stations—staffed by professionally-trained government employees. Each fire station would be given an assigned section of the city to protect—and others would be called in to help if needed. Up until this time, AMATEUR fire brigades would COMPETE with one another to be the first to respond to a fire because insurance companies PAID brigades to save buildings. It was not uncommon in those days to see someone place a barrel over a fire hydrant and then sit on it so another fire brigade could not use it. I guess if your building didn’t have insurance you were on your own! In any case, back then fire-fighting was more of a race for the money than it was a race to save lives. Aren’t you glad that today we have a BETTER way to fight fires!?

In the early 20th century Henry Ford proved that a better way to make a car—would be to actually make several cars at the same time by using an assembly line. Before Ford came along and perfected the assembly line concept, cars were much more expensive because they were built one at a time.

And speaking of expense, not too many years ago encyclopedias were a very costly thing. Remember? On top of that, they took up lot’s of book shelf space and became out-dated very quickly, necessitating the purchase of pricey yearly updates. These days—we enjoy the fruits of a better way of sharing knowledge. Now—virtually any bit of information is always at our fingertips— thanks to the internet. And it’s constantly updated.

I could go on and on citing dozens of other examples of this “better way principle”—including everything from NETFLIX to the “recent” invention of a hard taco that won’t fall over because it is baked with a flat bottom. But you know what I mean—people are always seeking BETTER ways to do something.

I bring this up because ANOTHER example of this principle is seen in the fact that we all long for improvement in the way WE LOVE and ARE LOVED.

That’s the SUBJECT of this final sermon in the Relational part of the Reset series—and its an important subject for us to deal with because if we are to enjoy a lasting “fireproof” marriage—if we are to avoid the unloving behavior found in many marriages and experience true wedded bliss—then we have to LEARN a better way of LOVING.

With that in mind I want to show you one last clip from the movie. Actually it’s TWO scenes—one from early on in the story and one that takes place weeks later after Caleb’s gone through THE LOVE DARE.

CLIP — SESSION VIDEOS — Session 6—duration: approximately 4:30

Now—wouldn’t you agree that Caleb IMPROVED in the way he loved his wife? Sure he did—and this morning I want to see if we can learn some of the same lessons Caleb did. I want us to try and understand how we can do a BETTER job of loving our spouses. And make no mistake—this is something that HAS to be LEARNED, because this BETTER way of loving we’re going to be talking about—well, it’s not something that comes NATURAL to us. It’s something we have to be INTENTIONAL about because as sinful, fallen beings our understanding—our mastery—of love tends to be just as flawed as we are.

There are three kinds of love we learn about:

1) EROS is a love that grows out of admiration and desire.

This is the love we are MOST familiar with—the one we tend to lean toward—it is a love that is drawn to a person or an object because it is EXPENSIVE or ATTRACTIVE—or because it lends status to the one associated with it.

The Greeks called this kind of love “EROS.”

When you hear this word is to think of the term “EROTIC” and that’s close—but “EROS” is more than just a sexual love. At its core “EROS” is the kind of love we give to ANYTHING that satisfies our desires, wins our admiration, or fulfills our various appetites.

It is a NEED-centered love that is based on expectation and fulfillment. As

And, thanks to our elders we learn about this “EROS” caliber of love early on in our lives.

Studies show that adults smile at, coo over, kiss, and hold “pretty” babies more than they do just “plain” babies. These same studies show that fathers are more involved with attractive toddlers than those judged unattractive by independent raters.

In her book, Why Beauty Matters, Karen Lee-Thorp points out that even children’s STORIES advocate this caliber of love. She writes: “The prince was not enraptured with Cinderella’s intelligent, sensitive conversation; he was smitten by her wardrobe and her teeny, tiny feet. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty were so attractive they could net their men while comatose. Rapunzel spent twenty years alone in a tower and never had a bad hair day.”

So, you see, EROS is a love that grows out of admiration and desire.

EROS is a love that grows out of admiration and desire.

But we must understand that this is not completely unacceptable. It’s good that a baby loves his or her mother because she provides milk and essential care. It’s good for a husband to celebrate the beauty of his wife. EROS is not ALL bad.

EROS is not ALL bad. It’s just that it is not a love that is strong enough to build your life—or marriage—on when you are a flawed, unlovely person. Don’t get me wrong—“eros passion” is a wonderful part of marital love—but it’s not enough to sustain marriage over the long haul. Plus—there’s much more to lasting love than the sparks and fire of EROS. The simple fact is, EROS is just too self-centered to base a life-long relationship on because it can trap us in an unwinnable contest to PROVE that we are loveable. EROS requires us to be smart enough, strong enough, or spiritual enough to deserve being loved.

It’s just that it is not a love that is strong enough to build your life—or marriage—on when you are a flawed, unlovely person. Don’t get me wrong—“eros passion” is a wonderful part of marital love—but it’s not enough to sustain marriage over the long haul. Plus—there’s much more to lasting love than the sparks and fire of EROS.

being loved.

The simple fact is, EROS is just too self-centered to base a life-long relationship on because it can trap us in an unwinnable contest to PROVE that we are loveable. EROS requires us to be smart enough, strong enough, or spiritual enough to deserve being loved.

The Greeks also referred to a SECOND kind of love—PHILEO.

2) PHILEO love is a friendship love.

“PHILEO” love is an affection built on reciprocal sharing of time, hobbies, activities, home, games, and other aspects of fellowship.

Let me put it this way…if EROS love is the SPARK that ignites our passion, then PHILEO love is the steady FUEL that feeds our joy. So—both EROS and PHILEO can be good.

The problem is our efforts at loving in these ways always fall short. Our “sparks” fluctuate. Our friendly affection is inconsistent. Our capacity for EROS and PHILEO love can flare and then fade like flames without enough air or firewood.

As much as EROS and PHILEO contribute to a healthy relationship, they still need help. They need a third companion—a third—BETTER—form of love—in order to bring depth, strength, and lasting character to romance and friendship. As beings flawed by sin, we need this stronger, purer kind of love—we need a kind of love that CREATES value in the one loved. The Bible tells us that this is the kind of love that God has for you and me.

As John Ortberg says, it is a LOVE BEYOND REASON because it makes no human sense to love the unlovely—the flawed—but that is exactly what God does. In fact, this kind of love is why God CREATED us in the first place. You see, God did not create us out of NEED. No—He created us out of His great unfathomable love.

C. S. Lewis put it this way:“God, Who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them.”

But you know, the fullest extent of God’s love was not seen so much in His decision to CREATE us. It was seen when we disobeyed Him and became sinful and unlovely—and He chose to love us still. Paul put it this way in , “While we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners Christ died for us.”

sinners Christ died for us.”

As I’m sure you know, God’s BETTER way of loving is called AGAPE in Scripture.

3) AGAPE is a love that is undeserved and sacrificial

—a love that is seen in God loving us even though it cost Him greatly to do so. And not only does He want us to KNOW that He loves us in this unreasonable AGAPE way. God commands us to embrace this irrational BETTER kind of love for each other as well.

Oswald Chambers said, “There is only one Being Who loves perfectly, and that is God, yet the New Testament distinctly states that we are [commanded] to love as God does.”

With all this in mind, today—I’d like us to seek answers to this question:

“Why is AGAPE love—the BETTER way of loving?” Here are my thoughts.

Body:

First, AGAPE is the BETTER way of loving because:

I. It is the only love that SATISFIES.

You see the truth in all other forms of love leave us with a “love deficiency.”

We all long for more. We all hunger for an AGAPE caliber of love. It’s woven into the fiber of our being. Think of it—from the moment we came into the world we’ve been looking for someone to love us—even when we were unable to do anything to deserve being loved. We’ve all literally cried out for someone to feed us, hug us, care for us, affirm us, forgive us when we mess up, support us, and tell us that we matter just as we are. I mean, regardless of what country we are born in or what our racial, cultural and religious background might be, there’s this universal need among human beings to be loved.

How many of you have heard the old cliche, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care?” Well that statement became a cliche because it is true. Above all else people want to know they are loved.

Do you remember Chevy Chase’s short-lived talk show? You probably don’t because it was very short-lived. The show was a disaster and just about set a TV record for early cancellation. One TV critic said the main REASON his show failed was due to Chase’s “obvious disdain for his audience.” It didn’t matter whether or not he was funny. No audience will tune in to someone who looks down on them. On the other side of the coin, the shows of Rachael Ray and Oprah are popular because they love their fans and their fans know it. Well, our preference in TV talk show viewing shows that all people want to be loved and cherished.

Illustration about adopting a pet (my childhood dogs, our kids’ bunny)

The thing that MOST THRILLS our hearts is knowing that God loved us and paid a high price—to adopt us and bring us home. When we respond to what God has done. When we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior—we experience this caliber of love we all long for—and our lives begin to take on purpose. And when Christian husbands and wives then express that love for each other—when they love each other in this AGAPE, BETTER way of loving—well it gives their marriage an incredibly strong bond.

Listen husbands and wives. Your spouse doesn’t need you to pretend that he or she is perfect—no not really. Do you know what they REALLY need…LONG FOR? They need to know that you know they are imperfect but you love them anyway—and that in spite of their flaws you wouldn’t trade them for the world. This undeserved love is the only kind of love that SATISFIES—it is indeed the BETTER way of loving that we all long for.

Here’s a second reason AGAPE is BETTER than other loves.

II. It’s the only love you can’t do on your OWN.

You know—I am not a handyman—so any project I start is destined to be far from perfect. It is almost guaranteed to fail which is why I have youtube close by and some numbers of others I can call on for advice and help. And the same is true of our efforts to love. Since we are selfish, sinful beings—our attempts at loving are always substandard. We need outside help. The fact is—it is impossible for us to do ANYTHING of eternal significance on our own. We can do all things—but only with Christ strengthening us.

Think of it—without God’s power…

A Biblical hero like Abraham was a wandering nomad with no future and no family.

Moses was a runaway slave with a speech impediment.

Samson was just another youth hooked on girls and lifting weights.

David was another monarch with a wandering eye and no hope for forgiveness.

Peter was a mixed up fisherman who didn’t know when to quit;

Paul was a radical Pharisee who went off the deep end.

And John was a lonely forgotten old man with crazy dreams.

As all these life-examples show, God’s power makes all the difference—and as I said this is especially true when it comes to our attempts to genuinely love others. The fact is, it’s just impossible for us to EXPRESS AGAPE love on our own. We need expert help—and there is only one expert in this area—GOD Himself. His AGAPE love FOR you is the only thing that can ignite this BETTER—AGAPE love IN you, enabling you to express it toward your friends or family members—or spouses. As puts it,

1 John 4:19 NLT

19 We love each other because he loved us first.

“We [are able to] love [only] because He first loved us.”

Since we are fallen beings we cannot manufacture unconditional AGAPE love out of our own sinful, selfish, unloving heart. It’s impossible. It’s beyond our capabilities. But the Bible says that because of His great love for us—God wants to express His AGAPE love through us and when we allow Him to do that—when we let God’s love flow through us, well we just naturally love BETTER—and when we love better—our marriages are better.

Chip Ingram testifies, “I have learned that the supernatural power of God’s love can empower me to do the impossible and the uncomfortable. With God’s help I can give my wife what she needs and that doesn’t come easy for me. I admit that the struggle often comes because at the core I am a selfish guy. But I’m also letting God change my heart. Over the years I’ve learned to give what I know says ‘I love you.’ to her, even after I’ve been wounded or she has failed to meet my expectations. And in like manner, I’ve watched her love me even when I have been the most unlovable.”

Anyone who has witnessed the launch of the space shuttle knows it’s one of the most awesome displays of power you can see. I hope that some day I can get to see a lift-off. Those people who HAVE seen one describe it like this:

Perched on the launch pad, the shuttle stands eleven stories high and weights 4.5 million pounds. As the sun creeps over the horizon and splashes its rays across the brilliant blue of an early Florida morning, the shuttle waits there like a silent, white eagle, ready to spring into the heavens. As the countdown nears, the air grows thick with excitement. Systems are checked and rechecked. More than 143,000 gallons of liquid oxygen, chilled to minus 147 degrees Celsius, have been loaded into the giant external fuel tank. Then mission control gives the go-ahead for the final countdown: “…five…four…three…two… …one…SRB ignition!” For three seconds, 6.5 million pounds of thrust—roughly one-fourth the energy blast that leveled Hiroshima—heave against the combined weight of the shuttle and its tanks and boosters. Then the ivory bird seems to leap off the pad and streak into the sky. It’s a sight that is the very definition of power.

But for all the genius and technology that go into making the space shuttle, it’s nothing but a whitewashed can of circuits and microchips without all that FUEL to drive it into space. All that hardware means NOTHING if there’s no POWER to make it work.

(Taken from THE TWO SIDES OF LOVE by Trent and Smalley)

Well, the same is true when it comes to the way we love. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, “…without [AGAPE—without a God empowered ]love I am nothing but a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.” So the simple fact is AGAPE is a BETTER way of loving—because the only way we are able to express it is if we let the BEST, PUREST love flow from God through us.

Here’s a final reason it is indeed the BETTER way of loving.

III. It’s the only love you can’t LOSE.

You see, AGAPE is a truly UNCONDITIONAL love. It doesn’t come with requirements. It doesn’t have an expiration date. You can’t lose it. Now, in our culture we tend to measure love by what we DO and how well we do it. Our loves have conditions. They are always characterized by “ifs,” “maybes,” and “becauses.”

I’m reminded of the story of the doctor who gave an older married couple a terrible report concerning the health of the husband. While the husband was getting dressed in the exam room the doctor left and spoke privately with his wife. He said, “I’ve got some bad news. I think your husband is probably going to die within a week. He doesn’t have long to live.

But the good news is this. If you cook him three meals a day, if you bring him breakfast in bed, if you bathe him and pamper him…if you give him his medication every two hours round the clock….if you treat him like a king…24-7 every day…well, I think that man might live for a year or two…maybe more. But you’ve got to keep this kind of treatment up.” The wife went out to the waiting room. Her husband said, “What did the doctor say?” She said, “He said you’re going to die. You’ve got maybe a week.”

Well, AGAPE love is better than this wife’s WEAK affection because it has no conditions. It’s a “whatever it takes” kind of love—an “in spite of” kind of love. It’s a commitment to love even if the “lovee” is not beautiful…even if the lovee is bad…even if they do things that displease the “Love-er”— even if the “lovee” doesn’t love back. AGAPE is a love that loves even in the face of fierce resistance.

Mark Buchanan writes, “Agape CHOOSES to love…in the face of betrayal, in the face of rejection, in the face of evasion, in the face of rank badness. It wills to love even when circumstances trigger instincts of anger or hurt, withdrawal or revenge. Agape is an UNPROVOKED love.”

Now—I like that word—UNPROVOKED! It’s a great adjective to describe AGAPE.

Think of it this way. We read of unprovoked AGGRESSION all the time, “There was a John Doe, minding his business at the bus stop and along came a gang of thugs who beat him up and robbed him.”

That’s unprovoked AGGRESSION. Well, we almost never read of unprovoked LOVE but if we did it would sound like this. “There was a John Doe, minding his business at the bus stop, and along came a group of altruists and philanthropists who, in spite of the fact that John Doe was a grumpy, selfish person who never gave a dime to charity—out of the blue they blessed him with a brand new BMW and enough cash that he’d never have reason to ride the bus or be grumpy or complain ever again.”

Doe was a grumpy, selfish person who never gave a dime to charity—out of the blue they blessed him with a brand new BMW and enough cash that he’d never have reason to ride the bus or be grumpy or complain ever again.”

Agape love is indeed an UNPROVOKED and UN-LOSE-ABLE kind of love. It isn’t predicated on our beauty or our popularity or our intelligence or our worthiness.

BUT—perhaps the best word to describe this BEST way of loving is SACRIFICIAL. It is a “whatever it COSTS love”—Agape is a BLANK CHECK love. Let me put it this way. Giving is to AGAPE what eating is to hunger.

Giving is how a Godly love satisfies itself. says,

1 John 3:16–18 NLT

16 We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. 17 If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? 18 Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.

Agape love is a verb of sacrificial action. Without acts of sacrifice and servant hood, agape love has no skeletal structure….nothing to support itself.

Oh, eros finds giving easy at first…cards and flowers and candy and back scratches flow effortlessly in the early stages of a relationship. Eros may GIVE in the beginning but only when it expects to get back.

But agape love is always focused on giving even if is costly to do so. And you know, one of the hardest places to flesh out agape love is in our own marriages. So often when people enter marriage they think that for it to function at 100% of it’s potential then each partner must see it as a 50/50 proposition. You do your share and I’ll do mine. But that is not the way it works in marriage. In a happy, mutually fulfilling marriage, each partner must be willing to GIVE more than he or she expects to GET…..each person has to do a little more than what he thinks is his share—sometimes a LOT more. In fact, for marriage to work, there are times when one spouse may have to give 90% while the other gives only 10%….such as during a serious illness or death in the family or some other crisis.

Robert McQuilken is the past President of Columbia Bible College in South Carolina. One day Mr. McQuilken got the bad news that his wife had Alzheimer’s disease. As the disease progressed it became apparent that she required twenty-four hour care. McQuilken was then confronted with a decision. Would he resign and care for her or would he hire someone else to do that job. He was giving such good leadership at the school that all his friends said that was God’s place for him. His friends urged him, “Robert, others can care for her as effectively as you can. God chose you for this great college work. Think of the impact for God you can make in this prestigious chair.” But Robert felt that this would be the wrong decision. He said, “She doesn’t know who she is but I know who she is. And I promised to be there for her.” Listen as he describes the choice he made to resign and care for his wife.

PLAY YOU TUBE VIDEO ROBERT MCQUILKEN – 2:10

I don’t know about you but when I listen to that—I just want to say AMEN!

Yes! That’s REAL love! That UNCONDITIONAL love makes all other loves pale in comparison! This testimony is proof that AGAPE is indeed the BETTER way of loving! It’s the kind of love we all want to experience…the kind of love we all long to share with our spouses. It’s the kind of love we want to have as husbands and wives when we get to the end of our lives. It’s the kind of love that makes the GOLDEN years GOLDEN.

Conclusion:

In closing let me ask…are you LOVING each other like that? Are you an AGAPE lover? Or—is your relationship as husband and wife falling short of that standard? If it is—if your love is weak and weakening…if the fire has gone out of your marriage…if it is less than satisfying…then let me make a suggestion. Try this BETTER way of loving. Ask God to help you to know how best to AGAPE your husband or wife. Ask Him to empower you to love your spouse even when they are unlovable…even when they don’t act loving toward you..even when it’s costly for you to do so. If you try this BETTER way of loving—I believe you will experience a change in your marriage. I believe your spouse will respond to your AGAPE. Remember—Catherine did. It was Caleb’s Agape sacrifice of that $24,000 he had saved for a boat—it was his giving to provide the medical equipment for his mother-in-law…that finally won the heart of his wife. So—TRY this BETTER way of loving—and I believe you’ll both WIN out. I’m reminded of the story of a little girl who wrote three of the words of our text but misspelled it such that she wrote, “love WON another.”

So, try AGAPE—and see if it isn’t better—I dare you.

I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the power of God’s love in our lives and our marriages than to give an opportunity for our married couples to participate in a vow renewal.

Simple Vow Renewal Ceremony Script

(Husband) and (Wife), it is a pleasure to share today’s very special occasion with you.

Many people believe that entering into marriage is the final step in a romantic relationship. As they see it, a couple meets, gets to know each other, falls in love, decides they want to go through life together, and then take the final step—marriage.

But marriage is not meant to be the final step in a couple’s relationship—it is really just the beginning of a grand adventure, that hopefully, will be long and fruitful for each couple.

You have shared the joys, blessings, and yes, the challenges, of married life for _______ years. And, today you wish to reconfirm your commitment to working together to make your marriage grow and blossom in the years to come. May this ceremony, renewing the vows you took to become husband and wife on your wedding day, remind you that despite the stresses inevitable

in every life, your love, respect, trust and understanding of each other will continue to increase your contentment and heighten your joy in living.

Please join hands.

(Husband), will you continue to have (Wife) as your wife and continue to live in this marriage?

(I WILL)

Do you reaffirm your love for her, and will you love, honor and cherish her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better for worse, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

(I DO)

(Wife), will you continue to have (Husband) as your husband and continue to live

in this marriage?

(I WILL)

Do you reaffirm your love for him, and will you love, honor and cherish him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better for worse, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

(I DO)

Bible Reading from (NLT):

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 NLT

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

On your wedding day you exchanged rings as a symbol of the never-ending circle of love. Rings serve as a reminder of your wedding vows to each other, and your commitment to live in unity, love, and happiness. At this time, it is appropriate to reconfirm the meaning of the rings you wear.

Please join your left hands together so that (Husband’s) hand is on top. (Husband), please repeat after me…………………

please repeat after me…………………

(Wife), I wear this ring you placed on my hand————- as a symbol of my love

and commitment to you.

Now, with (Wife’s) hand on top, (Wife), please repeat after me:

(Husband), I wear this ring you placed on my hand——–as a symbol of my love

and commitment to you.

I ask that you each remember to continue to cherish each other as special and unique individuals and that you each respect the thoughts and ideas of one another. And most of all, be able to forgive each other, and not hold grudges against one another. Live each day in love with each other, always being there to give love, comfort, and refuge to each other, in good times and bad.

Husband and Wife, today you have renewed the promises and vows you made to each other on your wedding day. You have symbolized the renewal of the marriage union by the joining of hands, the taking of vows, and by the wearing of your wedding rings.

It is with pleasure that I conclude the ceremony of renewing the vows of marriage that joined you and binds you as husband and wife.